Here is an excerpt from my book “Father Figure – my mission to prevent child sexual abuse” about involvement from family members:

“After reading this book, you can see how the girls’ family played a key role in ensuring their personal safety. As we learned in Father Figure, biological family members are often the only ones with the legal power to take action on behalf of vulnerable children.

To all people reading this, please keep this story in mind if someone ever advises you that children related to you are in a potentially unsafe situation, and if you do find yourself in such a predicament, I ask that you please act quickly and do not delay becoming involved. In Father Figure, you read how Joan and I had to approach Dave’s family multiple times in order for them to take action on behalf of Lisa and Laura. While I fully commend Dave and his family now for what they have accomplished, I was concerned with the length of time it took for them to get moving at first.

While all legal process is time consuming, there were instances where I wish the family could have acted quicker. While I’m relieved to say in this case that it’s now water under the bridge, families do need to take swift action with the welfare of children at stake, whether the possible threat is coming from outside of or within the family. It is possible that family members might face some of the inconsistent or unsatisfactory responses that Joan and I had to deal with, but it is also true that the ‘family’ connection can give them a better chance at succeeding as compared to ordinary citizens in a situation like this when the possible threat is not coming from an existing family member. It can however be more difficult for family members to report and to get appropriate responses if the threat is from within the family”.

We often wonder how we can possibly eliminate bullying from the face of this earth. As I speak around the country about long term impact of bullying, I notice that bullying is well and alive all over the United States. Of course, there is no one answer that will solve this issue for everyone. However, one of the keys to minimizing bullying is to try and understand why bullies do what they do, and what role do bystanders play in that connection. As I described in my first book “A Life Interrupted – the story of my battle with bullying and obsessive compulsive disorder”, I had a very interesting personal encounter with one of my worst bullies from the past.

What I learnt is that this specific individual turned to bullying because he noticed that (1) people laughed and encouraged his actions, thereby improving his self-esteem, and (2) he felt that he now had a recognized place in the school community. He was now known for “something” instead of just another insignificant kid in the school community.

This revealing encounter clearly indicates the significant role a bystander can have in encouraging bullying. In fact, even if the bystander does not laugh or visibly encourage the actions, just by being there and witnessing it and not saying anything causes the bully to continue his/her irresponsible behavior. Of course it would be best if a bystander can step in and try to prevent the negative behavior – but as a minimum a bystander must not laugh or encourage the actions and should simply go away from the area and report it to the school authorities.

As I continue my speaking around the country, I talk about the devastating impact bullying has had on my life so others would understand that the role of a bystander is key in minimizing bullying during school years.

One of the reasons there is bullying and harassment in the workplace is because there are many workers who never learnt how to work in a team environment. Most of our schools and colleges do not necessarily focus on team projects or team successes and achievements. Most activities in schools and universities are individually focused and do not allow students to learn how to achieve greater success by working together and supporting one another.

Running any kind of an organization is a team effort, and people who have learnt how to work in teams know that you cannot achieve greater success if the team is not working in a harmonious environment. These people understand that:

• Every individual is different and has his or her own strengths and weaknesses
• A team can work well only when various members’ strengths are coordinated well together to focus on overall team success
• An individual’s weaknesses should not be highlighted – instead, his or her strengths should be emphasized

A good coach knows very well that each player in his or her team is unique and that same coaching technique may not work well with all the players. Similarly a good manager knows that every employee is different and may require different patterns of managerial attention.

My book titled “Father Figure – My Mission to Prevent Child Sexual Abuse” describes a true account story about a single mother dating a registered convicted child molester and the subsequent risks to her young children. Following are some of the suggestions I make for single mothers based on my experience with this situation:

• Single mothers must get to know a man carefully before they introduce him to their children and well before she gives him personal information about her children.
• Single moms should not give new men a lot of detailed information about their children.
• Though being targeted by a predator is never a single mom’s fault, this awareness can certainly help her to protect her kids even more.
• A single mother should do a background check on a man before introducing him to her children. When a single mom tries out relationship possibilities with new men, this should first occur outside of the home and without the children’s involvement. If such meetings do occur at the woman’s house, the children should not be present when this happens.
• A single mom should not use her children to help win her partner’s affections.
• If using online dating websites, single mothers should state in their profiles that they must get to know a man well over time before he will meet their children. This precaution would likely discourage predators who are trolling the internet looking for moms in desperate search of a dad for their kids.
• It is also advisable for a single mom not to mention the gender of her children in her dating profile. This move is likely helpful, as child predators usually have a gender preference and may pass a lady by if the gender of her kids is not easily known.

On Thursday Feb 15, 2018, I got an opportunity to speak in front of a number of school principals and assistant principals at a conference in California. I spoke on the topic of “Strong social/emotional health is key to overall success” at the ACSA (Association of California School Administrators) “Every Child Counts” Symposium in Anaheim, CA.

My presentation focused on the fact that, for all children, a strong emotional health and a positive self-image are key ingredients for overall success in life. If on a regular basis a child is concerned about having to deal with negative issues/events/incidents, it is simply not possible for the child to focus on the positive aspects of school and social life. For academic success of all students it is critical to maintain a safe and nurturing environment for all children. When we talk about a safe environment for children we must include discussions about creating and maintaining an atmosphere in schools where ALL children can feel free to be themselves and learn most effectively at their own pace. If a child has to face negative environment on a regular basis, it can lead to long lasting negative impact far beyond the school years. This presentation is highly appropriate for the “Every Child Counts” symposium because it is focused on developing and maintaining a school culture that has three key objectives – acceptance of differences in people around you, being kind and respectful to others as opposed to negative behavior such as bullying, and focusing on self-acceptance so you can achieve success in life.

My presentation was based on my book titled “A Life Interrupted – the story of my battle with bullying and obsessive compulsive disorder” and had the following learning objectives:

• Participants will learn what some of the key elements are for a safe and positive school culture where all differences are respected.
• Participants will also learn that bullying can play a key role not only in triggering a severe mental health disorder, but also in how the disorder plays itself out for the victim and tortures him/her for years.
• Participants will learn why bullies do what they do, and what needs to happen to minimize the negative impact.

One of the reasons why I wrote my book titled “How to stand up to workplace bullying and take on an unjust employer” is because I am aware that there are many employees who would put up with the harassment rather than standing up to it. Many of them are not necessarily afraid of losing their jobs – they are simply uncomfortable about the stress involved in dealing with the process.

I had worked for a number of different organizations before deciding to become an author and a speaker. And in almost all of the workplaces I have been involved with, I had noticed several employees being distressed about unfair treatment typically by the managers or supervisors. Most employees seem to believe that if they put in a complaint they will either get fired or nothing will really change even after a long and stressful complaint process.

I do understand that feeling, but I wanted to let everyone know that change does not happen until someone takes a stand. No one deserves to be treated poorly at work and the employer needs to know that this behavior is not acceptable. And it is generally easier to deal with the stress involved in the complaint process than the continued daily stress of putting up with the harassment.

I just received confirmation that I will be speaking at the Montana School Counselors Association conference in Helena, Montana, on April 12, 2018. The topic of my presentation will be “Prevention of child sexual abuse – the ethical challenges”. This of course is based on my second book titled “Father Figure – my mission to prevent child sexual abuse”.

Whenever I speak at a conference on this topic or on any other topics related to this subject matter, I find it very difficult to predict audience interest in the topic and their participation. My presentations are always interactive so anyone can ask questions at any time during the presentation. I have found that some audiences are very involved in this area and are interested in the topic and would want to continue lively discussions on several issues associated with this topic. Then again there are audiences where the interest and participation are not that apparent. It appears that there are many attendees who believe that they “should” attend the presentation on this topic because it deals with a critical issue, but are not quite ready to discuss things openly on this subject.

I am hoping to continue to make my presentations around the country whenever I get an opportunity. I am hoping that over time all these attendees, who are currently somewhat hesitant to speak up, will become more involved and will then speak up to help bring about the changes we need to protect our children.

I am looking forward to my next presentation at the Rotary Club of Wayzata, MN, on Feb 7, 2018. I will be presenting on the topic of “Long term psychological impact of bullying” which is based on my first book titled “A Life Interrupted – the story of my battle with bullying and obsessive compulsive disorder”. It will be a new experience for me since I have not spoken at any of the Rotary club meetings.

After that I will be traveling to Anaheim, CA, for a presentation at a conference of the ACSA (Association of California School Administrators) on Feb 15, 2018. The topic of my presentation will be “Strong social/emotional health is key to overall success” which will also be based on my first book. The theme of this conference/symposium is “Every Child Counts”, which is exactly in line with what my presentation is all about. I am also excited to learn that I will be one of the “featured speakers” at this symposium.

I have spoken at many conferences around the country but I have not had that many opportunities to speak in front of school administrators. That makes this conference even more important because school administrators are the ones who are typically in charge of developing and maintaining a positive school culture where every child can feel safe and is able to learn in a supportive environment. I am hoping that this experience will open the door for me to speak at more conferences of school administrators.

Workplace bullying most typically happens between a manager/supervisor and an employee. We have also known reports of peer-to-peer bullying in the workplace, but that typically is not as distressing as bullying by a superior. Also, when an employee reports incidents of harassment to the ultimate employer (in a smaller company) or to the Human Resources (HR) department (in a larger company) they often do not receive the treatment that they deserve. In fact, instead of resolution of the problem what the employee might receive is more bullying from the employer and/or from HR.

Why does this happen? The following are some of the reasons:

• Many companies do not do a good job in filling managerial/supervisory positions – they often promote people to those positions who do not have the skills required for supervising or managing.
• They often promote employees to management or supervisory positions to reward them for their hard work as employees, but there is no guarantee that a good worker will also be a good manager or supervisor.
• They should come up with other ways to reward a good employee so everyone does not have to be a manager to get ahead in the company.
• Managers and supervisors often do not have the basic inter-personal skills needed to maintain a harmonious workplace.
• Managers and supervisors erroneously believe that the only way to succeed is to maintain a strong “control” on the employees.
• Employers and HR directors sometimes believe that it is easier to get rid of an employee rather than having to deal with his or her complaints.

Once employers and HR directors accept the fact that managing and supervising requires special skills, things will be better for the workplace environment.

I recently prepared a workshop proposal on the topic of “Prevention of child sexual abuse – the ethical challenges”, which is based on my second book. I wanted to share some of the questions I proposed to discuss as part of this workshop. Here is the list:

• What kinds of changes are needed to become more effective in “preventing” a possibly abusive scenario?
• How can you work effectively with service providers in spite of some of the existing inconsistencies?
• How can you detect situations where immediate intervention is necessary and appropriate and what the associated legal issues might be?
• How can you help single parents become proactive in avoiding situations that can possibly lead to abuse?
• Should an ordinary citizen try to step in when there is an opportunity to prevent a possibly abusive scenario?
• How can we be proactive in identifying situations where intervention is necessary and appropriate and act accordingly to prevent a possible abuse?
• How can we make sure that our child protective services and our law enforcement services are adequately equipped to address this critical need?
• Do our service providers truly understand the impact of child sexual abuse and are they properly trained to detect and intervene to prevent abuse?
• How could the child protective services act differently in this story?
• What could Law Enforcement have done differently in this story?
• What could the family members have done differently in this story?