At many of my presentations based on my book titled “Father Figure – my mission to prevent child sexual abuse”, discussions often come up as to whether or not single mothers with young children should date convicted child molesters. This is of course a personal question that each person will need to decide based on her own situation. However, my opinion is that a single mother with young children must be extremely careful and make sure that the situation does not create any kinds of risks for her children.

If a single mother chooses to date a known child molester, then she must do so without ever involving her children or allowing them to meet her date. This statement may come across as common sense to many people, and many would argue that no one should date a known child molester to begin with!

I felt the need to specifically mention this as I have run into a similar situation with a very close friend of mine. I happened to learn from this single mother friend of mine that she had begun dating a convicted child molester. In the case of this woman, her date had pleaded guilty to groping and kissing a little girl once in a public place. Though this woman insisted that the guy had turned himself in and told her about his criminal record on their first date, I still would not recommend dating someone with any history of mistreating kids in a sexual manner.

Having said that, I would like to point out, given her choice to still date him, this woman dealt with the matter in a way that posed no risks to her children. To begin with, this woman took it upon herself to immediately inform her children’s father about her date’s criminal history. She also resolved from the start that she would never allow her date to meet her two children, until they became adults, no matter how far their relationship may progress.

In some of my presentations I focus on racial inequality and its impact on the society. It emphasizes the fact that ability to accept differences in people and to promote unbiased positive interactions are key ingredients for overall success for students and for all of us as a society. If on a regular basis a child is concerned about having to deal with negative issues/events/incidents because he or she is perceived to be racially ‘different’, it is simply not possible for the child to focus on important academic and social aspects of school life. Eventually it can also lead to long lasting negative impact far beyond the school years. When a person is bullied because of how he/she looks or how his/her name is spelled or pronounced, it can create major negative long-lasting impact for years to come. These presentations demonstrate how bullying based on cultural/racial differences can cause severe mental health issues for the victim, with a long-lasting impact that typically derails the victim from his/her normal developmental track.

The presentations focus on the fact that all school staff, children, and parents have a role in maintaining an unbiased and safe environment in schools and elsewhere in our society. When we talk about a safe environment we must include discussions about creating and maintaining an atmosphere where ALL children can feel free to be themselves and learn most effectively at their own pace. It should be an environment where no children will feel the need to wonder if he or she is different from others and what that would mean. If all school staff, students, and parents can work together to develop a culture where differences in people are accepted as a normal way of life, then all children will be able to attain a strong emotional health and it will have a long lasting positive impact. The most effective way to create and maintain a safe emotional environment is by promoting acceptance of differences in people and sending out the message that we are stronger because of our differences.

The title for one of my presentations is: “Ethical and legal issues associated with a negative workplace culture”. This presentation is based on my recently published book titled “How to stand up to workplace bullying and take on an unjust employer”. This presentation is especially suitable for an audience of company owners, managers, supervisors, and their employees because the true account story describes a negative office culture in a workplace and the resulting legal ramifications.

This presentation includes discussions on many different issues that could be useful and appropriate for this audience:

• Inappropriate handling of workplace bullying and harassment issues
• Inadequate response to reports of workplace bullying and harassment
• Undeserved consequences for doing the right things at work
• Inappropriate handling of various forms of discrimination in the workplace
• Involvement of the Department of Human Rights
• Unjust termination for whistleblowing
• Involvement of labor union, if applicable
• Fighting back through the legal system

This presentation will be useful for employees and employers in all organizations where the goal is to maintain a harmonious workplace environment.

I wrote my book titled “Father Figure – my mission to prevent child sexual abuse” because of the following reasons:

• To describe a true account story that focuses on prevention of child sexual abuse (CSA)
• The story is about “intervention” and “prevention” and the numerous challenges faced in the process
• To bring about an awareness of the associated issues that require immediate attention
• To emphasize the fact that the challenges can be overcome if we are truly conscientious about prevention and are willing to work through a multidisciplinary approach
• To discuss what could have been done differently in this specific case to promote a more preventive mindset
• To demonstrate:
  • How a situation can pose risks for children
  • Reactions of authorities (such as law enforcement and child protection) to a preventive situation
  • Reluctance of family members to take preventive actions
  • Helplessness of at-risk children
• To share the experience to emphasize the point that at-risk children can use all the help they can get

Whenever I speak at schools or in front of a group of parents, I always try to make the point that teenagers don’t always come out and tell adults about what is bothering them. It is very important for school officials and parents to work together to make sure that the children can trust that the adults in their lives will listen to their issues and would do something about them.

Here are some comments made by various teenagers about things happening in their lives:

“But what some people don’t understand, is that you can’t throw someone into therapy, and expect them to be better with a snap of a finger. It can take up to months, or years, for someone to recover. It wasn’t working, so my dad took me out of therapy, and forgot about my depression. Now, I struggle with depression, and my dad doesn’t want to believe that I have it. I confide in my friends, and in my closest relatives for help.”

“I don’t really have any one to talk to in my life except my best friend but she lives in Canada”

“I try to tell my parents but sometimes I tell them like come downstairs with me and they call me a little kid and there is nothing to worry about, it’s your own house and I feel like I have no one to talk to about it.”

If the parents and the school staff work together, it is very likely that the children will receive the help they need to move forward in their lives.

Supervisors/managers in a company are highly responsible for developing and maintaining an environment that does not tolerate workplace bullying. There are many supervisors/managers who do a good job in this aspect. However, there are also many who simply are not capable of creating and maintaining a positive environment. The following are some of the characteristics of a supervisor who in fact helps in creating a negative environment in the workplace:

• The supervisor is generally hostile in nature in almost any situations
• The supervisor is loud and extremely harsh with many employees
• Promotes an environment of super autocratic control and believes that it is the only way to manage things
• The supervisor is constantly demonstrating signs of anger and frustration
• The supervisor is acting like a prison guard at all times
• There is a constant show of temper and hostility
• The supervisor promotes an environment that allows peer-to-peer bullying
• The supervisor shouts and yells at employees for no apparent reasons
• The supervisor is focused more on scaring tactics while dealing with employees

One of the key aspects of OCD is that the victims often suffer for years by themselves because of the bizarre nature of the disease. They don’t feel comfortable sharing this with others because they are concerned about what others would think. In my case, I suffered for 5 years by myself before sharing this with my parents. I later came to know that there are many patients who had gone on for many more years before opening up about the disease. That is why I wanted to make sure that my book makes it clear to OCD sufferers that it is okay to share this with others so appropriate treatment can begin. That is why I like the following comments made by some of the psychologists who reviewed my book:

“An uncensored description of what it is actually like to live with shocking, unwanted obsessions”.

 “The author is genuine in his description of his OCD symptoms and his successes and challenges along the way. While the descriptions of the OCD thoughts are graphic, they are not uncommon and many people will be able to relate to this book”.

“Descending into the hell of OCD — nightmarish intrusive thoughts and agonizing, exhausting behaviors he felt he had to perform to prevent harm to people he loved”.

“It shows the isolation that so many people with OCD have experienced, hiding their secret thoughts and rituals for years from their involved and caring parents, suffering needlessly, thinking they must surely be crazy and bad beyond redemption, until finally finding the right diagnosis and the right treatment”.

My presentations on workplace bullying provide key information, salient advice, and guidance on what workplace bullying is, how it can impact both the employees and employers, how it happens, what to do about it, and how to prevent it.

This presentation is appropriate for all attendees who are currently in the workforce as well as for those who are preparing to enter the workforce. College students entering the workforce must understand that it is everyone’s responsibility to make sure that the workplace is a truly positive and rewarding environment.

When I present on this topic, I typically focus on the following learning objectives:

• What kinds of things fall under the category of bullying and harassment?
• What to do if one is having to deal with bullying in the workplace?
• What to do if one has watched someone being bullied at the workplace?
• What are some of the typical responsibilities of a union, if the employee belongs to a union?
• What is whistle-blowing and what are the issues associated with it?
• What kinds of vehicles are available for defending against bullying in the workplace?
• What are some of the things to look for in case there is an unjust termination?
• What can managers/supervisors/employers do to maintain a bullying-free environment?

Here is an excerpt from my book “Father Figure – My Mission to Prevent Child Sexual Abuse”, regarding my experience with law enforcement in this specific true account story:

“Perhaps the greatest mystery remaining from Father Figure, and the leading cause of our setbacks in this story, is the confusing reactions that we received from the local police. Though this appeared to finally change after I wrote to the judge, I can never forget how helpless I felt when we were apparently let down by the cops.

To this day, I remain utterly confused over what actually happened behind the scenes with law enforcement. From the outside looking in, it seemed as though they were plagued with discrepancies over how they should deal with Charlie (the convicted sex offender in the story). Given the reaction from CPS (Child Protective Services), and the eventual consensus by the local police, it seems as though Charlie should not have been allowed anywhere near minor girls.

To law enforcement officers reading this, I request that you please use this most unique story as a case study for similar situations in the future and encourage your units to support more training in handling cases of CSA (Child Sexual Abuse). In a similar predicament concerning a sex offender, I certainly hope that law enforcement will err on the side of caution and choose to protect the kids. I also hope that a citizen will not feel threatened by law enforcement when he/she is reporting a good faith concern.Regardless of what rules or regulations were in place at the time, there was no justification that we could see for the local police to threaten an ordinary citizen like they did. We believe that we had approached law enforcement with a very good faith concern, and nothing that we did had warranted such an aggressive response. In general we felt there was a lack of swift and appropriate response to the reported threat.

To all officers reading this story, please continue to restore my faith. Please use this story to do your best to look out for those children at risk”.

As I go around the country talking about the long term impact of bullying, I clearly notice that there are many who still do not understand that bullying can have significant long term impact on the victims. Although many schools have now placed a lot of emphasis on the “stop bullying” movement, the necessary focus on ‘prevention’ is still lacking.

I believe it is really important to focus on understanding why bullying happens – why do bullies do what they do. In my own encounter in adult years with my worst bully from the past I came to understand that bullies are often misguided children who are struggling with issues of their own and do not know how to manage them. Instead they act out against other innocent children.

School staff and parents really need to understand this point. If a child’s emotional needs are satisfied, he or she does not have any reasons to be aggressive towards other children. Children deserve to be liked and admired for who they are – and if that does not happen, then they often end up trying something that they believe would make them popular (i.e., liked and admired by others). That is often what happens to turn some children into bullies.

It is possible that we may never be able to eliminate bullying altogether, but I believe that we would certainly go a long way, if we can focus on understanding why some children act out as bullies.